Let me level with you, I never liked weakness, blame either male biology or societal expectations of men for that. The last few years have made me realise that whatever I thought; a) I am not invincible and b) rather than seeing scars/ruins as simply failures I understand their purpose.
Whether you've had some part of your life ruined or you're currently in a storm and need to take refuge I believe the next 10 mins of this article will really help you. Know you are not alone!
'Ruins and Refuge' is something that God has really laid on my heart over the last few years.
I have a regular walk which takes me down the river and past the ruins of a castle in where I live. I enjoy this time to pray, granted I probably spend more time talking AT God 😬rather than listening. Still sometimes, He manages to get a word in between my ramblings. That still small voice of God which whispers as the Bible describes*. (He whispers because He is close BTW!). Last year I was thinking about stuff and chatting away to God about the pain I felt over some ruins in my life and that I wanted God to just get rid of them. I was looking at the castle ruins as I walked along the river and I felt God say 'Your ruins will be a refuge to others'. I meditated on what the Holy Spirit unfolded in my heart, giving me fresh revelation.
When it comes to ruins in our lives we can easily see them as just failure, a blemish, a blot a mark against us. If we only see them this way we are not going to get the best out of these experiences and God can’t use what we hide away.
We should start to see our ruins as a potential refuge for others.
Ruins in our lives, those bad choices, that failed business, lost friendships, failed relationships, battle with illness even those painful family splits. These things are your ruins, I don't need to tell you that! What I do need to tell you is that these same things are a refuge for others.
Throughout the entire Bible refuge is a constant theme and moreover, that God is a refuge for us;
'God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble' (Ps 46)
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” (ps 91)
He is even described in a feminine way as a hen*** spreading her wings to give refuge and protection to her chicks. (see article about God's feminine side here, it's not heretical BTW)
God is all about fighting for us and along side us, but equally there are times in life when we haven't got a fight left in us and we just need to hide. In fact sometimes He tells us to be still while He does all the fighting! (Ex14:14).
God will use your ruins if you let Him
Ruins are not intimidating, imagine yourself pulling in to the drive of a somewhat ostentatious mansion to meet someone new. It's a bit scary right, and that's when we are feeling good. Our ego wants to project, power and perfection, its called pride! The 'ruined' authentic you is the opposite, you become relatable, relevant and approachable to a tired and beleaguered traveler. People take refuge in your ruins so that they be cared for by someone who has 'been there'.
Our ego wants to project, power and perfection, it's called pride! The 'ruined' authentic you is the opposite...
A refuge provides understanding, sympathy, acceptance, love and protection.
The ruins of your own life will often seem ugly to you. They aren't. I'm sure whatever part of your life was being trashed by a metaphorical wrecking ball did not look pretty at the time! However, in a new season they look different and take new meaning. I had a great marriage once and as it burned to the ground in the space of a few months it was far from pretty. Think about all the ruined castles we see dotted around the countryside, once majestic, then ruined. Nevertheless, after time they can become amazingly beautiful. Most of us have at some point even paid to go look around some ruins! Think about that, it is kinda crazy, we pay to look at really old broken buildings! They must then have value right? I personally love to walk around reading about what happened and why. They are a way for the past to have a voice in the present. God wants to use your ruins in the same way!
I will say that again, 'ruins are a way for the past to have a voice in the present and God wants to use your ruins in the same way!'
So, allow them to be seen, don't be embarrassed and try and clear the ground! When you allow them to tell a story like these castle ruins do it can give comfort and help to help someone navigate through a tough time.
Your past pain has a present purpose..! Man I feel a shudder just writing that, like God's Spirit is doing a breakdance!🙌🏼
The picture of me and a ruin behind is on my regular walk near where I live, its lovely! It is a garden, a grandstand, people come for picnics, to play, they come to walk/think and meditate they even have outdoor plays and concerts. This ruin has purpose, it provides a place for life to happen.
When people see your ruins they know they are not alone. They're not the only person to try and navigate this thing. What's more you have lived to tell the tale and have the ruins to prove it... They take hope that whatever it is they are facing, it wont be the end of them.
If You’re In A Storm TAKE REFUGE!
Sometime after I had hit a major problem in my life, something in the Bible really spoke to me.
'A wise person seeks refuge a foolish person just carries on and comes to ruin.' - Prvb 22:3
As I mentioned before my marriage was in desperate need, my wife had (inadvertently) broken my mind and this led to both having broken hearts. We both loved each other for 17 years and were expecting our first child. Things had gone seriously south, I didn't know what I was doing. I had been messing up and was questioning every part of my life. I knew I had to take refuge, get help and not make any big decisions. There was no point in keeping on going because I knew I couldn't trust my direction at that time. I was not in a good way and it would lead to ruin. Heartbreakingly my wife didn't do the same and carried on making even worse choices. Eventually I had no option but to let her go after 2 years of fighting. Sadly, as she has said herself, if she had just taken time earlier it would have been a very different story.
On the journey of life there will be times when our world feels like it is tumbling down, at these times it can be difficult to find our way. In emotional chaos it is often impossible!
Can I say with all humility to you, if it has got dark in your life don't make any snap choices, these can be really dangerous. When we hit trouble in life it is often complex and foggy, to say the least. Trying to keep moving may take you completely the wrong way. Scarily you wont know until the fog clears, and by then it might be too late!
Let me briefly share my experience of a storm a few years ago so you can see how these things can lead to ruins. In 2017 I failed completely to lead our relationship well and embraced some of the purity challenges my wife was having instead leading us in Godliness. Inside a year our stupidity led to some big problems. I was not honouring God with my time and over working add to this the sinful stuff in our marriage and it totally broke my mind. I started weekly counselling. She wanted a divorce. I shared with my counsellor that I didn't want to loose my marriage and he said 'things can sometimes go unhelpfully quickly in these situations, so make sure you ask name to slow down and give you both time.'. This was sound advice, obviously we could both agree that time couldn't do either of us any harm. So I asked her to slow down and give us more time. (It had been just a few weeks since the whole thing had blown up). She refused. I couldn't understand the race for divorce, so repeated my desire for us to slow down over the next few weeks. I was in a bad way, and of course knew she was too. My mind was fudged, putting it mildly, thankfully I knew that making big decisions during the storm when our minds/hearts were fogged was a bad idea. I am gutted to say she wouldn't listen and convinced other people that she was fine. The reality couldn't have been further from the truth. She was in to seriously bad stuff and was already having another secret affair.
It was 7 months later when I still pleading to reconcile when she said in her reply 'of course I wasn't ready for another relationship, my mind was in a terrible place' (she would reconcile) 'but things have gone too far now and I don't want to hurt another family as they don't deserve that' (meaning her new partner's kids). Heartbreaking isn't it?!😔 She admitted reconciliation was best for us and what God would want but admitted she had made huge choices when she was in a storm and had now gone too far. She had kept running in the dark/confusion of the storm putting even more distance between her and where she should have been! If we had just stopped and both taken refuge we would have been married to this day with a wonderful testimony. Both of us were in a thick fog of emotional turmoil, we were both as lost as each other. The only difference being I was trying to get us to take refuge. Many asked me at that time ‘what are you going to do?’, I remember saying over and over to people ‘I am not making any big choices, I can’t trust my mind/heart to help me make good ones yet’.
(Side note, it is another devil ploy to tell you that things have gone too far, that you may as well just keep going down the wrong road. This is never true! It is never too late to start living rightly. She could have broken off her affair and started living in a way to honour God, prefer our child and reconcile. We all know how easy it is to convince ourselves of this, I have done it. Just be aware God is able, it is the devil's voice saying “you may as well carry on it's too late now anyway!”)
My friend, can I implore you, if there is foggy turmoil in your life, seek Godly refuge. Don't make big choices that you will later regret because you couldn't see clearly. I wasn't any smarter of more moral than my wife in our crisis. I was just wise enough to stop moving and take refuge.
Churches Are Not Great With Ruins
The church is God‘s idea and usually a place of love and healing. However, it can be a nightmare if they don’t allow for ruins and refuge.
In my experience the church can sadly encourage us to white wash everything, to 'clear the rubble' so as not to mix metaphors! God didn't promise a life without storms, He promised He wouldn't leave us. So a life that is being lived with Jesus will still show the ruins of past storms. When churches pretend things don’t happen and pretend we have everything together it makes them fake. And fake is fragile. They become obsessed in maintaining the image of the brand rather than doing what is ultimately best for their people. I have seen this at work in a few churches and it can be really damaging.
While traveling in India one of the things that our guide pointed out was that often a rich persons house or royalty etc would have a huge facade. They would build the front wall 2-3 stories higher than the actual home behind, the windows painted on etc to make it look bigger and more impressive. This really is a facade in both meanings of the word! The church can act like this at times. Sadly mine did.
Jesus says 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' (Mt 11) If we as the church don't allow the lost weary traveller somewhere to rest we are missing something important. When someone comes to the church with problems they don't need to see a picture perfect postcard. It is phoney and pathetic and people see straight through it. What we all need is a work in progress, a half 'ruined' bunch where we know we can be authentic. This type of church demonstrates a radical love for each other despite imperfections letting us know that we will be safe there too.
The church leadership in our storm were a total disaster. Initially they helped but the storm was much larger than they anticipated and neither of us were good at being helped! I certainly wasn't initially, I was so messed up! It then flipped from being about us as people to being about protecting an image. They didn’t encourage my wife to take refuge, even when they knew about the affair she was having and previous behaviour. Instead they told her to keep the affair secret, instructing them to come to church separately and not let anyone know. The leadership lied to the congregations, they even proudly paraded her at their summer conference whilst knowing she was having an affair at the time. The senior leaders even asked me to lie about it if anyone asked me so as not to cause a problem. CRAZY!!😳 Instead of providing a refuge, instead of presenting their own ruins and allowing good Godly input. They put image before individual and pride before people. This way of thinking is about presenting the church as a prideful, perfect palace. (alliteration master lol). The result is that congregations in this type of church learn to fake, and fake till they break!
A negative church reaction pushes brokenness in to the basement. (We know what happens to sin if not brought in to the light😓) Just as long as nobody sees any ruins!!! Let’s break that cycle. We all hit storms, and we all have ruins people can take refuge in. Two years after our split my ex wife and I met with a counsellor for a few sessions, she cried almost constantly, it was awful. She had already married a guy who she and everyone else knows took advantage of her vulnerability. The church should have protected her (what refuge is) from a wolf prowling for lost sheep but failed her. They were too busy protecting the image, not showing ruins to take refuge in. Let me just say again so it’s clear, this is not about blame for our problems, my sin, or hers. we share responsibility for the storm that we were in. I am highlighting the need for us as the church to offer refuge and safety first.
A weight of responsibility lies on the failures of our church for obstructing reconciliation and promoting divorce. When cover up instead of baring ruins we promote sin in fact and makes it even harder for the person to come clean and walk repentantly. Sadly we read about churches/Christian charities doing this all too often. They are too busy proudly parading as perfect, obsessing over their image rather than being real, broken, ruined and offering refuge. In truth it’s because of a flawed theology. I think about whether I have done this over the years in leadership? How sad if I have! In our situation I care for people in this church, the leaders are good people who just did a very bad job. I still call many friends, brothers and sisters, I have forgiven them and I keep names and the church anonymous.
Pride pushes us to cover over the cracks with a facade at best and at worst covers ruins with blatant lies.
As church leaders we must learn from so many of these types of mistakes. They are boringly common. Let ruins be seen and let them be told they are beautiful. In most churches there will be people with ruins of every type, addictions, relationships, family, financial etc. Their ruins can be the perfect refuge so encourage them to gather up the wisdom they have acquired. Finally allow people to take refuge, encourage them to do so. If someone is very lost it’s our duty to do everything we can to MAKE them take refuge. When they are lost they often don’t know how lost they are! In essence be the Good Samaritan. I can speak from experience I was in such a bad way for about a month I was going from one degree of sin to the next. Not from glory to glory!
Don’t Live In A Ruin
A quick note. A refuge is not a residence. Yes I suffer with the preacher curse of liking things to start with the same letter, you may have noticed. Pray for me lol.
Ruins are only a temporary refuge. You can hide in ruins until the storm has passed. Once the fog has cleared and you can make your way again safely then do so.
Let me be honest, I was tempted to stay as a refugee forever. I didn’t think my heart would ever heal, I can’t begin to tell you how much I loved my wife and how much I missed her. I could cry even now thinking about it. However, eventually once the storm had passed, once I could see a way to carry on my journey I had to move onwards.
People who live in ruins permanently are weird!!! We all know people who want to talk about their ruins all the time. Don't be that person. God is 'doing a NEW THING' as it says in Isaiah 43*, it then says 'do you not perceive it'. The point is not that He is going to do a new thing, but that He is!!! So if you don't see it, your perception is wrong, not that God is not doing it. The Bible also tells us that "He works ALL THINGS together for good'*... That includes the crappy storm that left you with some ruins.
He is working it together to bring about a better outcome. I am not saying 'fake it till you make it, but do 'faith it till you make it!'
Final Encouragement🙌🏼
God has taken me on a journey of seeing the beauty and purpose in my ruins. He has opened my heart to see that they can be a refuge to others. I have a few ruins in my life, my divorce being the most significant. But now I understand that those ruins will comfort and shelter hurting people. My ruins I keep accessible. Wonderfully the story they tell will provide others some insight and wisdom to help them find the right course to travel onward. He will use your ruins too, if you let Him. Ask Him how and to show you their beauty. Then just keep a look out for those lost travellers who you can give refuge!
To the newly ruined - Your ruins will be beautiful in time
To those with old ruins - Let you ruins give refuge!
To the those in the storm - Seek out good ruins & take refuge
Please do feel free to share and encourage others - I believe this will help people whether finding purpose for their ruins or whilst they are taking refuge.
Big love
Joss ♥️
After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. - 1 Kings 19:12
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Ex14:14
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. - Isaiah 43:19
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28
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