Shame is one of the most horrendous feelings we experience; being exposed, metaphorically stripped naked for the world to see. Whatever the reason for the uncovering, your own doing or not, the mental and emotional turmoil is extreme.😓 Shame, as psychologists will tell you, is a universal feeling across all humanity and one of the most powerful. We all find the exposing or condemnation of flaws, mistakes and imperfections harrowing.
I hope this post will help both help us deal better with our own shame as well as help others experiencing shame.
Shame is heavily linked to condemnation, shame is about our character, WHO we are, not what we may (or may not) have done. Condemnation is conviction without hope, naturally it gives birth to shame. A mistake can be fixed but condemnation will attack the person as though they themselves are the mistake, and there is little hope of change then.
If you have ever felt shame or condemnation, the good news is that you are, at least, a normal person! Psychologists will tell you that it is only sociopaths who don't feel shame normally!
One thing I have realised through my own experience, and helping others who are walking with shame, is that it is very difficult to help one feel 'covered'. Helping people out from under the weight of shame and condemnation can be hard work! Ultimately because though we can help they are alone able to lift it by seeing themselves rightly.
If you have ever seen Game of Thrones you will instantly recognise the scene pictured here. The queen has been overthrown and her very dubious private life made public. As a punishment, she is made to walk through the city naked while the *religious (I will come back to this) lady behind her shouts "shame" ringing a bell. The crowds gather, throwing insults and garbage, spitting and insulting this once untouchable ruler. I am sure we all, to some small or even large degree, can identify with her despair.
We can feel ashamed, naked and vulnerable for a number of reasons. It can be caused by our mistakes/sin being found out, it can be that rumours or accusations are made about us, it can even be our close association with others who fit the above. Experience has taught me that you can feel the full weight of shame and condemnation even for things that are untrue! I know someone who had naked images posted online to shame her. The crazy thing was they were not even her, they were fake. Yet still she felt huge shame which affected her for years.
What is worth admitting up front is that there is something in our sinful nature that wants to shame others. It is, of course, a cover up, in the truest sense of the word. Nobody is without sin, nobody. Absolutely no one on the earth would want everything they had ever done wrong to be public. So whilst we are jeering at others nakedness we are hoping nobody sees ours. Sad isn't it??
We must remember the whole thing is a farce, whilst we make snarky comments, slander and gossip about others, the irony is that we too are a filthy sinner just like the woman in the picture. As the Bible would say, we point out the specs in other people's eye while having a plank in our own! Just imagine this visually... the Bible is pretty funny sometimes!
I love what Melissa Kirks says:
"Shaming behaviours make us feel superior to that other person, as well as communicate to them that we wish they'd be or act differently, without us having to actually talk to them in an adult way and take responsibility for our own feelings."
So how should we respond as Christians?
My suggestion is simple; GET NAKED!
Psychologists say that the 'best weapon against shame is empathy', M Kirk - I love that! Yet I think I would perhaps press it even further...
As followers of Jesus, the way we help those who are walking with shame, feeling uncovered and naked is that we get naked with them! We take off the mask of having it all together, we share our own failings and imperfections. We walk with them, nakedly, authentically, letting our nakedness cover theirs.
Can you imagine the same scene as I described earlier, but instead of the queen walking ALONE naked, everyone else was naked too and walking with her. The woman shouting "shame" and ringing the bell would begin to look very silly. The shame ceases when the isolation is removed, when the majority join them with their own nakedness. What is even more amazing is that the shame in fact then shifts to the accuser!
When we are authentic and let people see beyond the curtain and share our failings we give others permission to do the same. I have never been to a nudist beach, but I assume, nobody feels 'naked' after a few minutes.
NOBODY FEELS 'NAKED' ON A NUDIST BEACH
There is some balance to this. Obviously I don't think we need to go divulging every sordid detail of our depraved mind on Facebook!! Lol. What I do mean is that 'mine' and 'our' nakedness can help others feel covered. Being real and honest about ourselves does not perpetuate a sense that we are perfect, it short circuits the shame spiral. When someone shares something that we have also struggled with let's speak up, and say; 'yeah I have struggled with that too'. By God's grace condemnation leaves the room and love fills the space.
Don't throw stones. (except maybe at people who throw stones at others)
A terrified and humiliated woman is about to be assassinated by a mob for her adultery in John 8. It says they drag her in to the temple court and put her on show telling people what she has done. Can you see the shaming? They say to Jesus 'the law says she is to be stoned to death, what do you say??'. They are being their usual smart ar*ed religious selves. Jesus has the perfect retort; 'sure, stone her, whoever is without any fault, you go first!'. Jesus slays the sanctimonious by reminding them that they are all naked too. They are all just as flawed and imperfect. Jesus was NOT condoning sin, in fact He goes on to tell her to live better, but what He does is point out that the everyone has reason to be ashamed. He is pointing out the need for a saviour.
Jesus slays the sanctimonious by reminding us all that we are naked too.
We must NEVER be the ones putting individuals on show, broadcasting their faults and trying to inflict wounds. Imagine in this picture if one of the pharisees went and stood with the woman saying, 'I have sinned so stone me', then another, then another. The tables would have quickly turned right?!
I am advocating for another kind of #METOO movement.
I am advocating for another kind of #METOO movement. When we take off the false pride of perfectionism, letting people see behind the Instagram highlight reel, we can give people hope that they are not alone. When we see someone in shame and we go stand naked next to them our nakedness beautifully covers them.
I love what Mark Baker says when it comes to seeing people succeed in life; 'Shame doesn’t make us want to be good; love does…' (Overcoming Shame) - When we make ourselves vulnerable, stand naked with the condemned and say #METOO I have failed, I have had this happen to me etc... we are demonstrating love. It is love that is the ultimate enabler not condemnation.
Shame and condemnation is horrendous and destructive, Christians that try and heap condemnation are aligned with the devil. Yes that is a strong statement, so let me just make sure you heard it right. Christians who gossip, pull down, condemn are aligning themselves with the devils primary task! The devil is 'the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night' (Rev 12:10). To condemn someone is to attack their image, the created being made in the image of God. The devil wants to distort and attack the image of people all day long.
If you are experiencing shame right now I hope you got that. Shame is an attack of the image of God. You are not less, you are made in His image. You may need to adjust your life or make atonement, but you are not less. You are purchased at the greatest price of Jesus' own death because you are of infinite worth. Everything is spiritual.
Is it still right to correct people?
Naturally you may ask if we can still correct people or point out what living best looks like according to God.
The answer is, ABSOLUTELY!!
We must, must, correct one another, see my blog post on 'Iron friends'. We must lovingly encourage and challenge one another. The aim of correction is to see someone living their best life. I want people to correct me, though sometimes it can sting a little lol, right?.
Correction says - 'You have failed to honour God or others in this area, but I know that is not who you are. You are loved and made in God's image to reflect Him. I have messed up so many times in life and today will be no different. Shall we both ask God for His forgiveness in areas we have fallen short and move forward?'
Sin should bring conviction and when we point out sin we approach with humility knowing we are all sinners. Condemnation on the other hand comes from a place of pride believing yourself to be superior. Those who call others to repentance are reflecting Jesus and doing what He asked us all to do as disciples.
I went through a horrendous season a few years ago and shame was a powerful force. My marriage was in serious trouble and I was trying to rescue it. We had both messed stuff up, I had a serious mental break and was sleeping rough in a car and she was in a relationship with another man at church. All just a few months before our daughter was born. Yes it was horrific and we both needed help. Sadly it was the power of shame that was calling the shots; causing my wife and the leaders of her church to do everything they could to hide the relationship. I hoped we could reconcile, pleading with her and challenging the man she was with privately. When that failed I tried speaking again to leaders in their church. Unfortunately the leadership choose coverup, they encouraged the adultery by keeping it secret giving instructions on how to deceive the congregations; 'come to church separately', 'do not sit together', 'you mustn't be seen out in public together' etc. Looking back I realise that I was shamed in to helping the deception. I was told that the congregation has already been shaken because of what I had done and if I let people know what was really happening it would 'cause people to leave the church'.
Why do I mention this?
Covering up is the opposite of getting naked..! Obviously haha. We really must resist covering up sin. That is always the worst idea it leads to distrust, disunity and unrepentant lives. (see footnote on 'love covers multitude of sin' verse) This type of covering up is motivated by shame and only perpetuates it. It doesn't lead us in to the light; to repentance, resolution, reconciliation and all the good stuff.
Imagine instead of covering up sin and shame we ask people to get around them and to be vulnerable too. People who say, 'I know your shame is pushing you in to the darkness but here are my flaws on show too, together let us seek God'. The result of not dealing with the issues and combating the shame properly in my example is that our daughter is growing up in a broken home. Withholding proper conviction can lead to long lasting shame.
"Shame motivates us to want to keep secrets. And the toxic power of shame only grows stronger in the dark." - Overcoming Shame by Mark Baker.
At various points in my life I have felt shame. When my wife left it was the most shame I had ever felt, especially as my own sin had been part of the mess. It was complex and pretty ugly. Everything in me wanted to disappear - I didn't feel conviction as much as I did condemnation. I was under the spot light, not in a positive way but more like the Spanish inquisition. What I needed was people around me who could be honest and open, people who could be naked who had been in the pit themselves. My own sin and failures I felt push me further away from choosing the right paths. The spotlight is unhelpful and makes a spectacle out of people. It allows us to stay in the shadows whilst we voyeuristically pick apart other peoples lives. What I needed was people to bring the light of their own lives in to mine, in a helpful and cleansing way. I know when I have dishonoured Jesus and others, I have found true healing and restoration when it has been brought in to the light. God knows I have needed it. I will again before I die and so will you!
So if you are tempted to cover up sin to avoid shame I would really encourage you to seek a better way. In church leadership this is a real issue, we mustn’t cover up shame but similarly we mustn’t make a spectacle of other peoples shame either.
What I have discovered more and more is that by standing naked with others we not only protect them from shame, but just as importantly we project them to repentance. If that is appropriate. The lady caught in adultery when she encountered Jesus' grace was projected toward repentance "Go now and leave your life of sin." Jesus said. Humility and empathy are a better remedy for helping people than a 'cover up'.
By standing naked with others we not only protect them from shame, but just as importantly we project them to repentance.
ARE YOU SUFFERING RIGHT NOW?
Please know that Jesus loves you, that there is NOTHING that can separate you from the love that the Father lavishes on you as His child. If you have messed up then please forgive yourself, He has! To forgive yourself means you need to understand where you went wrong, understand it and own it. Then take that to the foot of the cross and thank Jesus that He died once and for all to remove the guilt from us. We can then walk as free people. He wants us to just walk the other way and no repeat the mistakes. I can understand, first hand, if you feel your 'stuff' makes you dirty, I have been there. I have sinned and lost my way numerous times. God had to remind me that He has always loved me and that I have always been a stuff up, I was just getting a good reminder of my need for His grace.
To overcome shame a person must experience acceptance at a time when they don’t deserve it, but need it more than anything else.
Perhaps, like me, you have suffered at the hands of prideful and arrogant Christians maybe even church leaders who have abused their position. There are sadly many christians who are more akin to the stone-throwing Pharisees. You may have been metaphorically stripped naked whilst they cried 'shame' though, in my experience, most don't have the courage to do this to your face and instead gossip behind your back. If you have, then you have my most heart felt apologies. Please forgive me! I know I have done this at times to others out of my own arrogance. If you can forgive me then please also forgive them. It is essential to enable yourself to heal. They will give account to God themselves one day.
Guilt is good and conviction too.
Guilt is understanding when we have done wrong (lying, stealing, condemning others). If I feel convicted of my guilt, I can repent and make amends. (As in a court of law.) Conviction and guilt are related. Shame, on the other hand, is about who you are (I am bad person unworthy of love). Condemnation is the confirmation by others (or ourselves) of the shame that you are bad person, the goal of condemnation is to highlight shame without providing a solution. Conviction will come with a way out and that way out is to see Jesus with His arms nailed open saying 'all this is for you so you don't have to carry that stuff'.
Have you shamed or condemned anyone?
If you say no then you're lying lol! We all have at one time or another. However, if you have condemned and not aimed to restore then I suggest you repent. Seek the Father's forgiveness and quickly. Jesus spoke very strongly about this subject with a parable about the 'unforgiving servant'. The teaching of this parable is that if we don't forgive and rather condemn others, even when we have been forgiven by God we will lose our salvation. Yes it is as serious as that!
What if we come across believers condemning others?
Smack them in the gob. No, really, I am not joking! Jesus despises pharisaical spirits. Do not be afraid to fight for the oppressed, you are on the right side when you do! People are the pinnacle of God's creation, made in His image and soo valuable to Him that He paid the biggest ransom to win us back to Himself. Anyone that condemns people is in complete opposition to this value. Whether it be direct or indirect, subtle or overt it doesn't matter, shut it down. Pointing out sin gracefully with a heart felt desire to restore people is different.
Caveat - I also don't mean condemning them is the answer. That would be hypocritical to say the least! Just be firm and call it out when it is needed.
Let us be slow to judge, whilst holding the truth of right and wrong, let us respond with grace. Let us 'get naked' to cover our brothers and sisters shame. When people despair of their situation and feel condemnation let us stand with them and say "METOO". Let us show our own frailties, mistakes and ugliness. When we do this, we cover their nakedness and project them toward repentance (if appropriate) and on to a better future.
Big love
Joss ♥️
'It is only when we are most vulnerable that we can experience the connection with God and others that we were designed for' - Overcoming Shame by Mark Baker
Wee footnote:
The scripture mis-used sometimes within the church especially in leadership to coverup is "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8. This ironically is the opposite of covering up as in lying and deceiving others. This verse is about unity. It is an acknowledgment that we have all sinned and that we must lean in to God's love. It is this love that covers the cost of sin. This verse is about seeing that a brothers/sisters sin is forgiven in the same way as our own is and this 'covers' the sin that would otherwise divide us.
#shame #condemnation #conviction #guilt #depression #suicide #suicidal #christian #coverup #metoo #JossNicholas #markbaker #overcomingshame #christianshame
Comments