‘Married 30yrs’ ‘21 times my valentine’ ‘7 years and still in love’
IT’S VALENTINES DAY as I write this. One of my favourite (& tbh difficult) things is to read the posts from people celebrating their love with their spouse. As Brits we don’t often get too much PDA so it’s nice when people feel liberated to share their love publicly. What I notice is that many people put a number next to the post... ‘together for 8 years...’ ‘wife & valentine for 25 years’ etc. What does this number of years represent? Why do we celebrate 20 years more than we would say 2 years? The answer is not the volume of love but something hugely more important... HOW MANY.
The years people quote in their valentine posts don’t equate to ‘how MUCH they love them’. What the numbers equate to is ‘how MANY times they have chosen to love them’.
I don’t mean the soppy gushy kind, though that’s nice too. I mean the gritty kind, the love that choses to prefer the other, to hold them higher. It is the love that walks through flames for them... even if they didn't start the fire!
Marriages that are racking up the years are ones where both have chosen to love ‘many’ when it hasn’t been easy. Chosen when they are in financial crisis, chosen when there is pain, chosen when there is family problems, chosen when there is betrayal, chosen when there is disagreement, chosen when there is sickness etc. Every relationship will go through seasons where there are multiple reasons to give up, marriage says look for that one reason to stay. Choose to love many.
The years of commitment being celebrated today are 100% worthy of celebration. I am sad that I am not celebrating my own ‘X years...’. we were married for 15 years, together for 17. I can say without any doubt whatsoever that you will never regret choosing to love MANY times. I know from my own experience that choosing to hold on to hope and appeal to return to God's best for our lives is always the best. I believed, though we had hit some big problems, that God's desire was reconciliation and He would supply anything we needed to achieve that. However, the vital ingredient was something only we could supply, the choice. The choice to love ‘many’.
The number of years quoted in valentines posts doesn't equate to ‘how MUCH' they love them, but ‘how MANY' times they've chosen to love them!
Heartbreakingly we didn’t both share the same commitment. It is a choice after all. A choice to love ‘many’ not just ‘much’. Relationships which succeed have ALL had trials & challenges but also a commitment to love through imperfection and hardship. We had loved very much for 17+ years but faced few real challenges where we needed to dig deep and ‘love many’. When this was tested, it was the ‘many’ which was in very short supply.
I am delighted to have seen the OPPOSITE in action too 😊... my mum & dad did not have the best marriage for many years, with some ugly times. My mum had to chose to love ‘many’ not just 'much' over the years. It wasn’t just how much she loved but that she chose to love again even when many would/did suggest that she call it off. I am not getting in to, 'if she should have stayed or not'. Neither am I saying she is an example of what YOU should do. What I can say, is that they now have a great relationship, are enjoying life and looking fwd to retirement together. My siblings and I grew up with both mum and dad at home and now we can celebrate things together as a family as God intended. This was only because they chose to love ‘many’. What's more their marriage is unquestionably now stronger because they worked through the problems. Triumphing over hardships by choosing to ‘love many’ can bring about a level of enjoyment in marriage previously not experienced.🙌🏼
My experience is, you will not regret trying to keep loving. I pleaded my wife to reconcile and shed many tears until I eventually let her go 2 years after she left. This is not about blame 🚫, that is very far from my point. Like most marital problems we shared the blame for the problems we were in. I am talking about choosing to 'love many'. Every single marriage will have reasons one could quit on the other. The key to avoiding divorce is repentance, this too is a choice to change direction. We both needed to. Sadly she refused to do what was necessary with her other relationship. I know she had loved me a lot, but it turned out it wasn't many. Choosing to love many, doesn't mean you will get it right, even when you want to, we both didn't and NO couples do! All the couples we see celebrating '20 years' or '40 years' will have had desires for the man in the office/ the woman in the coffee shop, will have been short tempered or aggressive, will have lied, neglected their partners needs or been a selfish arse. You are as flawed as me, and we are as flawed as all the people who celebrate years of marriage, along with everyone else in the world including Apostle Paul who said "what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do." Romans 7:15. - Ahh the human condition, we can all relate Paul! That is why Christian marriage is a commitment to love many.
Importantly, when we choose to keep loving many times we see another reflection in marriage of God's love for us. God chooses to love us many times, despite our imperfection, selfishness, betrayal and the constant breaking of His heart. Choosing not to love many times ends in broken relationships & certainly broken marriages. This takes, quite rightly, years to get over. I know myself, that it takes time before your heart is healed or that it would feel right in respecting an ex spouse or God's gift of marriage to marry again.
A sad trend I have noticed within the church is a growing blasé attitude to divorce. As Christians we should ALWAYS protect marriage & celebrate those who choose to 'love many'. We mustn’t allow modern trends & throw away culture to infiltrate the sacredness of marriage. We should be the ones saying; ‘I know you are hurting but try and love’ & ‘You might be emotionally exhausted but ask God to give you the strength to love regardless’ — We must NEVER* encourage intentionally (as importantly) or by being silent, people to stop choosing to ‘love many’. If we know someone is infiltrating marriage’s sacredness then we the church should be challenging in the strongest possible ways. It is incompatible with our faith to let this happen. My daughter and I will bare the scars caused by a church not holding on to the sacredness of marriage. What I've learned is in almost 100% of cases we wont know the full story or relationship problems, this makes it vitally important to stick to the only biblical position, to champion marriage. To keep choosing to love. When people need help to keep choosing love it WILL because it is complex, messy and painful... but let us never stop cheering people to 'choose many'. There are vows & promises ONLY because at times everyone knows feelings will not be enough.
The solemn vows we see shared between bride and groom are not for the good times. They are for the times when they will need to hold on and love many! The congregation makes those vows too, to stay the course and uphold the couple.
We as the church have the honour of forming part of the marriage, we're asked publicly before God if we will support & uphold the marriage. This forms part of the covenant and an extra dimension of support to help the couple keep choosing to love. “What God has joined let no one put asunder” - (Bible & part of marriage ceremony). My encouragement friends is we do just that, we cheer on and defend married couples. I have seen many marriages on the brink, some for years, turn around and find miraculous and complete fulfilment. As a pastor I have had the joy of counselling many couples on the cusp of divorce to choose to love again and reconcile! I LOVE IT! "With man it might not be possible but with God all things are!!" - Matt 19:26
Whether you are single or not let's remember the number of years people celebrate on their intsa post is not a mark of ‘HOW MUCH’ they love each other but ‘HOW MANY’ times they’ve chosen to love even when it wasn’t easy, even when they didn’t want to! That is worth celebrating ❤️
CONGRATS EVERYONE CELEBRATING TODAY, WETHER IT'S YOUR 1st, 40th or 2nd CHANCE - KEEP CHOOSING TO LOVE MANY TIMES AND EXAMPLE COMMITMENT ❤️❤️
I WISH I WE’RE AMONG YOU. I BELIEVE (GOD WILLING) I WILL BE AGAIN 🙏🏼
Big love
Joss
1 Cor 13:4-8
[4] Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. [5] It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. [6] Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. [7] It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. [8] Love never fails...
* abuse or complex situations which due to the nature of complexity won’t be covered here but I will venture in to them on another blog post. Yes I am brave of stupid!!! You can decide at the time
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