As a single dad, I have become aware of things single / co-parenting fathers struggle with that I never considered. I've written this post to explain the issue and then some thoughts for single dads and anyone else who cares lol.
Firstly, this is not a gripe, I love being a dad, even if it's on my own. These are challenges I was oblivious to and now being aware of I feel are so worth sharing. Sooo many times over the last few years I have said how things are for me and people have responded with 'I never thought about that...'. Why would they? Until I was a single dad I never thought about it either!
Secondly this is not a battle of the sexes… single mothers have significant challenges & are fully due support.
So, caveats given😆, here are 5 things I hope are helpful not in order or importance...
1 - Play dates and friendship / community
Insight : I know I said this is not in order of importance... well this one is! 😆 By far the most striking and challenging thing I have faced is how hard it is to have friends with other parents.
1) Most co-parenting dads have their kids maximum every other weekend and often much less than that. So you are not thought of automatically, if at all when it comes to social events or play dates etc. As a single dad you do all the leg work.
2) Dads are more hands on these days, but still the minority of them are with their kids mid-week. So few if any are available during the week for play dates. For the first 3 years I only hung out with 3 guys and their kids, and only one guy more than once, shout out to you Dave Baskeyfield! Over the last few months I have had a few mates say they are up for it which is great. However, this leads me to another issue.
3) Meeting up with other men is really, really hard. Fathers are treated abysmally as a society when it comes to access to children, mothers usually have majority custody. This means the chance of when we have our children coinciding with something another family is doing is vastly reduced. When it comes to meeting up with other coparenting dads the chance of fitting both people's schedules for having their kids at the same time is reduced even more! I have a few mates who are co-parenting. Often they have their kids on different days to me, which means try as you may, getting together and the children becoming friends etc. is almost impossible. One friend and I have been trying for about 6 months!! Big love Dan Damico!
Many women make new friends during this period, especially in groups (I will talk about this separately). However, as a bloke, meeting up with women you maybe don't know that well is bit awkward. So you wouldn't usually ask a woman unless you happen to know them well already and usually their partner too. Likewise they would rarely ask if you would like to sort a playdate etc. This again rules out about 95% of all play date options.
Dads : Get organised!! Yes women are the main organisers of social get togethers in usual life, so you need to be super intentional and step up. Message people weeks in advance and sort things out.
Double date! Things go wrong, people are flaky and kids randomly vomit on the way out the door, so a date might get cancelled last minute. This is rubbish when you only have a day or two that week with your child and you want to make the most of it. So I often double book, that is I arranged to meet someone in the morning and afternoon. If one cancels no biggy...
How to help : Please include us! I know we don’t come to mind often when considering who to meet /invite but we would hugely appreciate the odd invite! Married men rarely will arrange play dates with other dads. If they have the kids alone it tends to be the odd evening or an occasional Saturday. So they often just do something by themselves, so men think of your brothers and give them a shout... Ladies nudge your bloke to contact a single dad you know. That would be awesome.
To the ladies please be inclusive, we're often worried about being too familiar etc, so if you do the inviting, it really helps. If you are a coupled dad reading this (which is unlikely lol) then I am sure you know a few single dads, hit them up!
2 - Toddler groups inc. Church crèche
Insight : These places can be scary and awkward for guys.
One of the things mums tend to do is go to toddler groups. The fact some groups are called 'mums and tots' it is fair to say that, as a dad, you know you've got your work cut out!
These groups are dual purpose, great for the little ones but also a superb way of making new friends and sharing / learning from other parents. However, this is much easier if you are female. Often us men folk do not feel comfortable starting a conversation with a woman unless it is invited. This is because it is too easy for this to be taken in the wrong way or our motives questioned. Don't get me started on that...
The church crèche is another place where you can feel seriously like a fish out of water.
Many churches advertise this as a place for nursing mothers to feed etc. I am not about to get to a debate about public breastfeeding, other than to say I 100% am in favour. But let me also just point out things from a male perspective. I have been in creche as the only man with just a few women one or more feeding. This can be pretty uncomfortable for a bloke. I am NOT saying it's wrong... obviously. However, if a woman is breastfeeding a man can't/wont/shouldn't (delete as you want) talk to her. This isn’t the case for women obviously.
Dads : This I never really aced, I don’t know I have any good advice but this is what I feel I have noticed. Regularity helps, if you are going to make a go of it then you probably need to go a good 5-6 times before you might have the odd bit of familiar recognition. It helps to learn small talk, and baby focused small talk. We men don’t do small talk often and if pushed men can go to football, cars, work, boxing, and well that’s about it lol. Women are talkers, as we know lol, but often not as much on the aforementioned, so learn the lingo! If you talk about the kids and only about the kids for a few weeks you may end up with some conversations about other stuff which leads to friendship. To a guy it’s obvious to say, that women are constantly brushing us off because we maybe making an advance. The only way to ensure they don’t think this is to keep it SUPER light and solely about the kids. I personally found that I am better off arranging play dates with some people.
How to help : If you go to a toddler group and you have a bloke attending please make extra efforts to involve them in your conversations perhaps introduce them.
If you go to a toddler group or are in the crèche at church it would make a huge difference if you tried to include any dads in there. Try to be inclusive in language from the stage when talking about these areas.
Ok this one might be a bit controversial but that never really stops me lol. In a crèche at church if you use these rooms to breast feed please just be considerate of the men too. I also had a baby, I had no where else to go. Remember, I am pointing out a (single) man's perspective. I am not saying ladies shouldn’t be feeding, just that there are many ways to do things. Having an awareness of men, helping them join in the chatter when it's appropriate this can make a big difference.
3 - 'Hand me downs' & secondhand stuff
Insight : This is a small thing. When chatting with a friend who has a girl same age as mine she commented that she didn't have to buy much clothes because they had so much stuff from other families. When I said I have never once had anyone offer me anything she was shocked. Like much of this post, people just don't consider it! I have NEVER been offered any cast offs whilst my sister posted a while ago 'thankyou but please no more clothes as they have been given so much'.
Not only does it reduce waste, save money and increase the variety of things your kids have to wear/play. Mostly though it underscores that you are not thought about. 😕
Dads : I have found Facebook marketplace a winner. Another great source was some little secondhand markets run specifically for folks with babies/toddlers. One I have been to a few times is called mum2mum markets, (🙄 way t'go on making us feel like outsiders lol) a good source of stuff.
How to help : If you know of any single dads in your social groups, church etc. then they would really appreciate being considered when your passing on a cots, prams, clothes, toys etc.!
4 - "Bachelor life style" are you kidding! But where do we fit?
Insight : A few times over the years people have said exactly or something like, you have a bachelor life. The idea that some people have is that you are basically living a wild bachelor lifestyle except for a night or two every couple of weeks. This is not only wrong but pretty offensive and a HUGE kick in the balls.
Let me just be honest and vulnerable here.
1) 99.9% of us dads are gutted that we don't have our kids with us full time. I am personally devastated my baby doesn't live with me and so is she.
2) Statistically the divorce probably wasn't our idea, currently divorce is instigated by women 75% of the time. (Not talking about fault, just who decides to split). I definitely didn't want a divorce and fought for me wife to come home for over 2 years.
3) Men usually loose most in the split with regards to friendships. I know for me I lost about 90%. So start life again with fewer contacts.
4) Far from the swanky batch pad our homes have our kids rooms, cots/beds, toys, food etc. The sad thing for us is that we usually are walking past empty bedroom and toys waiting to be played with reminding us that our children are not with us much of the time.
IT IS HARD!
Single dads do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, usually the majority of the driving to pick kids up, try and make quality time for children and usually juggle that often with a full time job too. I have my own company, some property, do all the cooking, cleaning shopping and for at least 3 days a week I am either sitting inside a tiny tent having a teddy bear tea party, dancing around or doing the voice for one of my daughters babies.
Bachelor life...!?? 😆 I think not.
When you have the kids there is nobody there to 'just watch them while I...' you are it. It is easy to have no social life.
A great example is Jude Law in the film 'The Holiday', trying to live the single life, meet people, but going home to being Mr Napkin Head and making hot chocolates, lol! That is me!!
Dads : I focused on being there for my daughter, intentionally putting everything else a distant 2nd place. That sounds good... however, what I hadn't really thought about was how much you need a world/life of your own for your children to be a part of as they grow up. It is not complete if it is just you and the kids. Now she is nearly 4 I am finding that I need to work hard at creating a life for myself so that she has more to be part of. Perhaps I should have put a little more time in to my own world and life rather than starting now, from scratch (nearly). Anyway what I would say is you will not regret putting your child first, the formative years of a child's life are very important. Try to be intentional about building your own community. I have written an article about friendship in the past which contains some thoughts on this here
How to help : Invite us to stuff!! Both types of things, stuff good for singles but CERTAINLY family things. Honestly it makes a huge difference if you are invited by families to hang out have lunch. Wait for it, even when we haven't got our children! We need to become part of these groups, even if it is only seems relevant to us part of the time. We have kids of our own, so we will enjoy being at a family BBQ even it is not our week so don't have the kids! When we do have our kids then the relationships and the way your kids interact with us will oil the cogs for our children to feel comfortable far quicker.
5 - Please take a photo!
Insight : Many dads like me will have thousands of videos and pictures of their kids yet will have very, very few of few of them with their kids. We don't have anyone to take the picture.
My mum asked me for a photo of me and India to get printed and framed as a birthday present for me. I have a few 'selfie style' ones but I don't have many and very few which are nice. My daughter is nearly 4 as I have said so that is pretty sad for me. I don't have any from when she was a baby and only a handful since then in all that time.
Dads: Ask! Remember to ask someone, you may feel a bit of a plum but it will be worth it for having them in the future.
How to help : It is an easy one... if you know single dads ask them if they want a photo. I have included a few taken over the past 4 years one was at the Beanbloc cafe, great family cafe if you are ever in Newark Nottinghamshire.
FINAL THING TO SAY
As single dads we can feel pretty schizophrenic at times. We don't fit easily in any group, the couples, the singles or the families. It can feel like we have two different lives and friendship groups. When I don't have my daughter I am free to hang around and want to socialise... this is often young adults / singles... Now don't get me wrong I enjoy spending time with anyone. If they are younger that's cool, but it's often people not in the same stage of life. Singles, yes absolutely I also want to find a wife! The families and peeps with kids are the other group which I hang out with but as mentioned before don't connect with as easily especially when I don't have India. This will be the same for most single dads. Stuck between different natural groupings sometimes feeling an imposter in any. I made a very distinct choice to be single for a season, though now I am excited to meet someone. Likewise most single dads wont want to be single forever, but during that time if you can help us feel included and valued it would really bless us.
Let me just say about my own situation and ex. Saying she has always put India first sticks in my throat as she chose to be in a relationship before India was born. However, apart from that she has always been as helpful, generous and flexible as possible with how we work things. She is kind to me and makes efforts to ensure that India loves us both. I hope she would say the same. Apart from the obvious, I don't think it could be a much better relationship. I have many friends who do not enjoy the same, so I am very grateful.
There is much more that can be said and other dads may have other issues which they are working though. I just wanted to put a light on a few things which I never thought about myself. My hope it that this will help dads keep soldiering and raise that bit of awareness to think about our little group and make life that little bit easier.
Would love to hear your thoughts... what ideas your have had to help... if your a dad any tips you can share?!
Big love
Joss
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